....and we are off... Players profiles, supplied by the infamous HPS! 1. Lenny Pidgeley – Goalkeeper (to a fashion) I don’t know if anyone can recall 1970’s Manchester United shot stopper Paddy Roach? Well, those old enough to remember Paddy will get some idea of how ‘The Pig’ is regarded by the fans. Lenny obviously spends a great deal of time looking in the mirror and that may be the reason he often dives the wrong way. Kicking and catching are not his greatest strengths either. He did once play for Chelsea and I think you can safely say there are few people that have met ‘The Pig’ who won’t have been informed of that. From a club that has had some seriously bad goalkeepers this guy may well very soon enter a league all of his own. 2. Maurice Ross – Full Back Scottish and often injured, he played for Rangers once which I think ‘Rossy’ would probably look at as the pinnacle of his career. The cynical amongst us just know that this character will be heading up the M6 some day very soon. You never know he may manage 20 appearances before that happens, but I have my doubts. 3. Tony Craig – Full Back A Greenwich lad making it hard to dislike him, but a lack of talent and a less than familiar knowledge of the Offside Rule make things slightly easier. Ronnie Bull, Robbie Ryan and Tony Craig - what do those three players have in common? Well we all know the answer, bless them all and I wish them no harm but they were and still are on the whole journeymen with less talent than ‘H’ from Steps. 4. Marvin Elliott – Midfield I have to make it very clear that a couple of seasons ago I really liked this young man. I thought he tried hard, he worked at his game and that he would one day play at the highest level. How fucking wrong was I!!!! Just like the team in general I could not be more disappointed if I tried. A contemptuous lack of effort, a Livermore like range of passing and a superior air on and off the pitch that could only ever be pulled off by the likes of Ginola, Cantona and Cruyff not a 3rd Division footballer from Wandsworth. I don’t think it is beyond him to sort his life out. I don’t think his agent has helped him either but unless he makes the effort all he has to do is look at the peg in dressing room marked J. Morris and he will find out what the future holds. Sort yourself out or fuck off to Rotherham young man. 5. Paul Robinson – Defender (Captain) ‘Robbo’ has come through the ranks and is now Club Captain. Prior to some recent poorly thought through press comments I was not sure about his appointment but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now I would rather give the armband to Nigel Reo-Cocker. Leadership skills are rarely taught, they are something you are born with. ‘Robbo’ can defend at this level, but he has much to learn to become the finished article. To expect this whilst he is Captain is all a bit foolish. The previous incumbents Tony Craig and Marvin Elliot make you wonder if you have to be born in South London to get the gig. Fuck me it will be Ken Livingstone next season. 6. Zak Whitbread – Defender Before you read the next sentence make sure you are sat down. Zak Whitbread used to play for 5 times European Champions – Liverpool!!! How the fuck he managed that is both startling and baffling. ‘Bambi on Ice’ hails from America and is to football what Joseph Goebbels was to World Peace. He is equally inept at Full Back as he is at Centre Back. I hope one day a Livermore type transfer scoop will occur. I feel that is our only chance of ever seeing the back of Casper. 7. Alan Dunne – Midfield I will write something positive about someone in a minute. It won’t start here though. When I grew up players gradually started wearing different coloured boots. One of my first football memories is of watching Alan Ball play in white boots, now you don’t have to be in your late 30’s to know that Alan Ball was fucking good. Anyone with half a brain will know where this rant is going, but why do the likes of Alan Dunne wear coloured boots. I used to despair at Martin Keown for doing it, but at least the ugly cunt won things and played for England. Alan Dunne sums up Millwall’s current demise perfectly, he is in a critical position on the pitch and yet is completely lacking in any ability to be able to carry it off. No timing in his tackles, no finesse in his passing and no composure in front of goal. A Vauxhall Conference player wearing a World Cup winners’ boots. Fuck me I hate modern football. 8. Neil Harris – Striker At last, a Millwall player that raises the spirits and makes you proud to be a Lion. Neil Harris is an inspiration on lots of different levels. Over two spells with the club he has amassed more League goals than any other player and stands only a handful of goals behind Teddy Sheringham’s all time record. Personally ‘Bomber’ has overcome Testicular Cancer which threatened both his life and his career. Everyone knows that the player we were all lucky to watch before his health problems was far more likely to get 30 goals in a season and run for 90 minutes. However despite the edge not quite being there anymore he is 100% Millwall and a proud ambassador for a club he has served with pride and dignity. I was brought up on Sherringham and Cascarino but even I want to see the all time record go to Harris. He has time on his hands now but in a poor side, will it happen? Who knows? 9. Ben May - Striker Anyone caught in a branch of B&Q nicking a toilet seat with a well known England International has not been granted the mind of a MENSA member. In history many great players were not known for their intellect. Look at Gazza, amazingly talented and also amazingly thick. However young Ben has missed out in both the talent and intellect lottery draws. Physically he is a strong muscular lad however not being able to jump and not being able to hold the ball up means he is no more use than the corner flag. I can see a long and prosperous career at Fisher Athletic looming. I suppose he could always take up plumbing! 10. Darren Byfield – Striker Darren ‘Ronseal’ Byfeild, we bought a 3rd Division striker and we got a 3rd Division striker. He will score goals in this league and other than that he will do fuck all for you. Most fans grew tired of his lazy attitude and booed him, now he is scoring they cheer him. Unfortunately as a pop stars other half he has learnt how to sulk Mariah Carey style. Not a wave to the crowd after a goal or an overhead clap to the Away fans since anyone can remember. Should they have booed him? Should he start building bridges? I don’t know or fucking care really, however I do know that he is the only one who can alter things now. Served by another over anxious agent and with all the trappings of his famous wife I think ‘Ronseal’ will probably piss off in the Summer to another crap 3rd Division team where he will score 20 goals because that’s what he does. 11. Filipe Morais – Striker Signed for 2 years by Spackman on what was probably a tidy little deal. He is proving to be far too lightweight for this Division and is now on loan at St Johnstone. Got a feeling we may see Filipe flip back to Iberia never again to be seen in South London. It is only in years to come that the full damage of Spackman’s tenure will be known but Morais is just one of what is proving to be several very bad transfer decisions. 12. Chris Hackett – Midfielder Hackett is a rarity. Having joined Millwall in the last 12 months he is actually quite talented. When not injured he makes a real difference. He can beat a player, pass the ball, cross the ball and is not too untidy in front of goal. Probably safe to say he is the fan's favourite and I can actually say he makes me sit up in my seat when he receives the ball. You just know he will be sold in the Summer. 13. Chris Day – Goalkeeper An experienced keeper he has always looked a pretty solid custodian when offered an opportunity in the First XI. However ‘the Pig’ still gets the nod. I am beginning to think he has some unsavoury photos of the chairwoman in an uncompromising position. Whether that is the case or not, I don’t want to bloody to see them!!! So ‘Happy’ is not a bad keeper and has done nothing wrong, but never gets picked. Oh well another selection conundrum for the East Stand to moan about, the South Stand to sing about and the West Stand to applaud. 14. David Brammer – Midfield Our solitary January transfer window signing. The dyslexics amongst us were getting carried away and thought we had signed the Incredible Hulk. Don’t make me angry!!!! However what we got wasn’t an 8 foot green experimental disaster it was a journeyman pro from the Potteries with dodgy knees and the type of pace that Micheal Watson displayed in last year’s marathon. However early signs seem to suggest he may offer a bit. 15. Tom Brighton – Striker On a shit night at Brisbane Road what seemed like 6 years ago not 6 months ago I thought this guy was a bit of a star. Unfortunately injury and some suspicious goings on mean the jury is definitely out on Tom. A Scottish player at Millwall is always very good or very bad. I have to stay positive and say in glimpses this lad can play a bit. But I remember Ipswich away all those years ago and the team that Jimmy Nichol built, that season dominated by Scottish wasters will always haunt me. Come on Tom prove me wrong and stick about a bit, make a difference. Let’s have Brisbane Road 2006 not Portman Road 1998. 16. Ross Gaynor – Striker Watch this space nothing to report yet on this young man. 17. Danny Senda – Full Back I think he is just about our best full back. Does well overlapping and seems a decent enough find, so 7/10 and no real complaints from me. Was sat by the touchline at Gresty Road this year and did not particularly enjoy watching him talk to his girlfriend all the way through Half Time whilst the other subs warmed up. Good looking girl but fucking hell mate I pay a small fortune travelling around to watch you work for 90 minutes each week, don’t take the fucking piss. Mind I don’t hold the morons queuing up for his autograph in much higher regard. 18. Adam Cottrell - Defender Funny looking bloke claims to be a lifelong Millwall fan which will help his cause. Can’t have been easy growing up looking like he should be on the Special Bus home from school, yet to play a game probably too busy scaring children somewhere. 19. Jody Morris – Midfielder When I look at all the people I have known over the years that have been chucked out or banned from Millwall this bloke makes me want to scream. A first class twat of the highest order he has took the piss out of all of us since the day he arrived as part of the Chelsea invasion. Normally I like a bad boy, Terry Hurlock, Razor Ruddock and Pat Van De Hawe. But this wanker has taken far more than he has ever given to Millwall Football Club. He can play a bit on his day. 21. Gavin Grant – Striker With the exception of being arrested for a gang related murder Granty’s Millwall career has been a non -event. Currently on loan at Grays Athletic, personally I don’t think he make anything of his footballing talents, but don’t tell him that. 24. Neal Ardley – Midfield Ardley is a good solid professional who might have made a real difference this year if he had been fully fit. He can tackle and his range of passing has not been seen down the Den for a number of years. Only problem is at 34 and with most of his career spent kicking people at Wimbledon I really can’t see him ever playing more than 50 games for Millwall before he calls it a day. 26. Chris Zebroski – Striker Zebroski joined Millwall in what can only be described as ‘bizarre circumstances’. Having been sacked by Plymouth for glassing the Club Captain and inflicting injuries that needed 100 stitches you might have thought England’s most notorious football club might have steered well clear. Instead we offered him a lifeline and in all honesty I don’t think he has let us down. Zebeedee seems to be getting his chance more and more regularly in the first team. Every time I watch him, I like what I see he is fast and works very very hard. It is early days but he may become a firm fans favourite. I wouldn’t like to be the one that starts the booing if he does have a stinker. 27. Richard Shaw – Defender Ex-Palace and very old, it has to be said that things did not look bright for the Ruud Guillet lookalike when he signed last year. However a million pound player generally has a little bit of talent regardless of age. Shaw has on many occasions this season held our defence together. He is embarrassingly slow and sits far too deep as a result of this lack of pace. However he is in control and is constantly trying to impart his wisdom on the youngsters. Can’t see him completing another full season but encouraging noises are being made about his impact on the training field with the Reserves so his undoubted positive influence may well continue for many years. 28. Mark Phillips – Defender Yet another youth product that has had a fair amount of injury problems, in the last two seasons he has had exposure to regular first team football though. My honest appraisal is that he won’t make it. He is in the Tony Craig department, I want him to do well because he is local, but I just for the life of me can’t see it happening. 29. Samy Oyame Mawene – Midfielder Just like Filipe Morais, Mawene has a much more talented brother at a bigger club. I am just wondering if Nigel Spackman was carrying out some weird gene pool experiment when he signed all these obscure foreigners. Samy has not had much of a chance so it is hard to comment too much but it begs the question why hasn’t he had a chance? I would like to inform Mr. Spackman, if by some miracle he gets another job, that my brother is a quiet family man who rarely drinks, has been married for 25 years and spends most of his weekends at church. 30. Poul Hubertz – Striker Everyone likes a mad Scandinavian and this guy fits the bill perfectly. He has not got an awful lot of talent, but he has the heart of a lion. If you could take his rapport with the fans and the effort he exerts. If you could then take Darren Byfield’s natural finishing and mix the two you would not be far off creating a lower league Alan Shearer. I love the bloke and hope to god he starts a few games alongside Byfield because they compliment each other perfectly. 31. Zoumana Bakayogo – Defender Zoom Zoom has never really been given a chance. When I saw he was a youth product of Paris St German I had hopes of seeing our very own Henry or Anelka. Zoom Zoom is now at Brighton on loan!!! What the fuck was Spackman playing at and who fucking let him do it? 32. Marvin Williams – Midfielder / Striker My one highlight from last year’s miserable campaign was this young man’s cameo appearances. He terrorised defences in the last part of the season and gave Everton a real scare in the F.A. Cup game at home. I get the feeling he may have lost his way slightly and rumours abound that this might be down to yet another over anxious agent. He is still lightening quick and prepared to get stuck in and if he stays and if he listens to advice he will be a little gem. I just pray to god we haven’t got the makings of another Marvin Elliott situation though because the similarities are startling. 33. Ali Fuseini - Midfield Having watched Ali play in his full debut and in some Youth Team fixtures I think this lad has got the lot. He can tackle, pass and shoot. The best way to describe what I have seen is that he reminds me of a young Roy Keane before he lost that extra yard and became merely an anchor man. Ali is quality and I think everyone at Millwall knows that keeping hold of him will not be easy, let’s hope he stays with us and becomes the Greatest. 34. Preston Edwards – Goalkeeper After Ali Fuseini, Preston Edwards is the other star of the current Youth Set up. Having made the first team squad at 17 he is another one that is going to be mightily hard to keep hold of.